Balancing Act
by Dragon's Daughter 1980
Summary: They agreed that there was a line between their personal and professional lives, but they had been erasing that distinction from the very first moment they'd met.


**Balancing Act**

By Dragon's Daughter 1980

**Disclaimer**: Other than being a fan, I have _nothing_ to do with Stargate: Atlantis.

**Author's Note**: This story was written for xakliaaeryn as part of lj swficathon's fic exchange. I would like to send a special "thank you" to anr who organized this entire swap, and to willowr, my beta-reader and cheerleader. I hope you enjoy this story.

* * *

"Carson told you?"

Putting his radio earpiece next to hers on the bedside table, John approached his wife at the open windows. Despite the early hour, Elizabeth had changed out of her daily uniform and into one of her sleeping outfits—a loose-fitting peppermint-shaded blouse and pants set. The gentle sea breeze ruffled her curls as she stared out at the ocean, clearly lost in thought. He wrapped his arms around her in silent greeting, resting his chin on her shoulder before he responded to her question, "Yeah. He pulled me aside. No one else knows."

They both knew that the validity of his last statement was questionable. After all, this _was_ Atlantis. Even when bizarre occurrences were the norm, it still wasn't every day that their esteemed leader was abruptly called away from her office in the middle of the day _and_ her husband promptly sent to her side after his return from a long-term off-world mission. Sooner or later, someone would put the pieces together and come up with the correct reason.

"Carson took you off duty?"

He saw the slight smile that flittered across her pensive expression before she answered, "Yes. He wanted me to get some sleep, and some food." She gestured at the remains of a half-eaten lunch on the coffee table with a wry smile, "I managed to keep some of it down."

"Any weird cravings yet?" he asked, half-jokingly.

She shook her head, "No, but who knows? It's still early."

The conversation fell back into an uncomfortable, if pregnant, silence, her thoughts clearly far away from him.

_Pregnant_.

He wondered where her thoughts had wandered in the hours she'd spent alone. John knew that beyond her personal desires, Elizabeth would have weighed every argument for and against, struggling to find a decision that she could live with. She wouldn't think of only herself, but also of the city, their people, and what was best in the long run, for all of them.

"The Marines are going to go nuts," he observed blandly, keeping the sadness and frustration from his voice. He wanted her to be happy, overjoyed, ecstatic, relieved— anything and everything positive. Seeing her withdrawn and reclusive now only served to remind him of the long weeks of her convalescence, when he'd struggled to hold everything together while she fought to find herself. He pushed aside those memories and held her closer to him. That was then; this was now. She was safe, alive and healthy.

Their fingers naturally interlacing without thought, he pressed a kiss to her temple and tried to soothe her. "What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing," she lied, her eyes staring at the distant horizon of the restless sea. The light of the afternoon sun glinted off their matching wedding rings.

He sighed and pressed carefully. "If it's about the IOA and Earth, screw them."

Turning sharply around to face him, Elizabeth nearly wrenched herself out of his arms. John knew he was in trouble when he saw the shuttered expression on her face. He wasn't talking to his distressed wife anymore; he was talking to Dr. Weir, leader of the Atlantis expedition.

"You and I can't afford to brush them off," she said with an alarming coldness. She crossed her arms in front of her chest. "We might have our allies, but we also have our enemies, and not all of them are in Pegasus."

"I know," he said, holding his hands out in a placating gesture as he carefully trod the line between Colonel Sheppard and just plain John. "I know you're worried, and you have a right to be, but…but what do _you_ want?"

She rapidly paled and turned away from him, and he knew her answer. This was the battle they always waged within their marriage, to maintain that elusive line between professional and private, to lock Dr. Weir and Colonel Sheppard out of Elizabeth and John's lives when the situation called for it, to balance their love for their people with their love for each other. It wasn't easy, and every step they had taken in their relationship, from co-commanders, to friends, to lovers, had struggled with that distinction. He knew what he wanted—he wanted to keep her safe and happy, he wanted children with her, he wanted whatever she wanted. For her, though, he knew that what Elizabeth wanted wasn't necessarily what Dr. Weir could give.

"Do you remember what I said to you that night?" he asked cautiously, carefully stepping close to her again. She drew in a sharp breath and nodded. He knew she understood what he was asking her to do. He put his arms loosely around her, allowing her to choose whether or not to let him hold her. When she made no move to push him away, he tightened his embrace and she leaned against him.

Swaying them back and forth, he told her, "I want you to be selfish again. Do this for yourself."

"I can't, John—" she began, but he shook his head, "Yes. Yes, you can. You did it once, Elizabeth. _Once_. Out of all the other times you could have chosen yourself over everyone else in this city, you've only done it _once._ You might be fair to everyone else, but you're not being fair to yourself. What do you want? Whatever it is," he promised, "I'll be with you, always."

"It's not that simple," she whispered, turning to face him, tears glittering in her eyes. "It's never that simple."

Untangling one of his hands from her tight grip, he caressed her cheek with gentle fingers, "No. It's not that simple, but what matters is what _you_ want. Not the IOA, not Dr. Weir, but just Elizabeth."

She shook her head and he caught her gaze before repeating himself, "What does _Elizabeth_ want?"

They stood in silence for a long moment, their eyes locked. He could clearly read the storm of emotions in her eyes, a vulnerability that he knew she was purposefully showing him. She finally whispered, her voice cracking, "The IOA will call every decision I've ever made into judgment. Once they've done that, they'll want me to leave for Earth. They'll argue it's not safe here, even with the way things are. They'll put pressure on everyone, and I don't want people to risk their careers for me. Not again."

"You're worried about the new delegates," he said with a calm certainty. He might never be a world-class diplomat like she was, but he had picked up a thing or two about SGC politics along the way.

She looked back at him and corrected, "No, I'm worried about what they might do to you and everyone else if you try to protect me."

"We make our own choices," he reminded her gently. "We always have. We'll take the consequences."

She smiled a little at him. "This sounds familiar."

He let himself smirk slightly in response, "It should. Practically everyone's told you that at one time or another."

Elizabeth let a chuckle escape, and he brushed a hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear. He gently cupped her face with the palm of his hand, wiping away the few stray tears on her skin.

"Look," he said quietly, "when the IOA starts reading off their list of reasons why you shouldn't be here, or shouldn't be in command, or what you've done is stupid or anything else, I want you to remember _these_ five reasons.

"First, it's none of their business what we do in our bedroom. This is a private matter, and they have no say in what we decide." When she opened her mouth, he repeated firmly, "_No say_ in what we decide. That was the deal. We'd be professional in public, and our private lives are our own business. The IOA can't say anything about that.

"Second, even on Earth, people can and do raise families in war zones. You've seen it; I've seen it. It's difficult; it's scary; it's heartbreaking, but they still do it. It's a fact of life. Look at Teyla and Kannan, at the Genii, at the Lithans, at all the cultures we've encountered here in Pegasus. If the Athosians have managed to survive the cullings for generations, why can't we do it here, in one of the safest places in this galaxy?

"Third, this isn't going to change anything." He held up a hand to stop her protest before she could start, and amended his statement, "It's not going to change the way I feel about you, or how I'm always going to be when it comes to your safety, or anyone else's under my command. You're not the first pregnant woman on this expedition, and you're probably not going to be the last."

"I'm your _wife,_" she pointed out. He shrugged, "Was I rational about your safety even before we slept together? We crossed that bridge a long time ago, and I'm pretty sure we C-4ed it as well. You know it was never "just" anything for us."

She glared at him, but didn't disagree. In the back of his mind, he knew that there was going to be an explosive discussion about her protection in their future, one that would probably exile him to the couch or that cot in his office, but he wasn't going to touch that topic until they were safely through this one. She wasn't going to like it when he told her that he wanted her to evacuate with the non-essential personnel if anything ever went wrong, but that was an issue to be tackled at another time.

"Fourth…I love you, and if you want this baby, I…" he stumbled a little before he recovered, "I want the baby too." He paused, gathering his courage, before he continued quietly, "I'd like to be a father, and I promise I'll be a better one than mine."

She squeezed his hand and smiled reassuringly at him, "You will be." Looking down at their interlaced fingers, she said, "and I would like that, you being a father." Elizabeth swallowed and confessed in a whisper, "But I'm scared. What kind of a parent will I be?"

"You're going to be a wonderful mother," he told her frankly, drawing her eyes to look back up at him. John held her gaze. "It's not going to be easy, but if there's anyone who can do it with grace and love, it's you. I know that.

"How can I devote my time to raising a child if I also have a city to run?" she asked softly, concern heavy in her voice. "We can't pretend that we don't have enemies out there, that the Wraith aren't still actively—"

"I know," he told her firmly. "I know. I can't pretend either that I'm not going to be off-world once in a while, possibly putting myself in some very dangerous situations, or that I'm not going to worry about our child's safety even more than the other children's in the city. It's not going to be easy or simple for us to be in charge and parents and everything else people need us to be, but we're not alone in this. We've got everyone in the city on our side, and lots of babysitters and protectors who'd do anything to protect our baby because we'd do the same for theirs. If the IOA calls us stupid for doing this, fine, but they don't understand any of this, or any of us here in this city.

"Love is about being stupid together, and I'm not going to let anything, _anything_ take you away from me. I promise, as long as we're together…." He caressed her cheek. "We're going to be okay. We've beaten our nightmares and we're still here. We're still here, and we're still together."

She nodded slowly in agreement, the tension seeping out of her posture. He tugged her closer and she came willingly into his arms. If they could survive the Wraith, the Asurans, and the Genii, they could handle the IOA throwing a temper tantrum.

"We're going to do this together," he promised her, "and it's going to be messy and chaotic and crazy, but that's business as usual around here."

"Along with death-defying stunts," she said dryly.

He quirked a smile, "Hey, I've cut back on those. Now Rodney…"

"He's not allowed to babysit without supervision," she said firmly, her tone brooking no dissent.

He tilted his head, "Why not? I think Rodney might have a meltdown if we stuck him with babysitting duties."

She gave him an incredulous look as she asked, "You want our ATA-positive child around Rodney in his lab?"

"Good point."

She rested her head against his shoulder, exposing the curve of her neck. At the sight, a thought drifted across his mind and he asked, "Carson wanted you to rest, right?"

"Yes…" she sighed, her eyes closed, "and he put me on personal leave, barred me from my office and confiscated my laptop. Why did we make him CMO again?"

Pressing a line of butterfly kisses alongside her neck, he answered, "Because he's Scottish, brilliant and has a better bedside matter than you do." Her eyes fluttering open, she playfully swatted at him. He smirked at her, "I have a suggestion."

Easily reading his thoughts, she shook her head in mock-exasperation, "I don't think this is what Carson had in mind when he told me to rest." He shrugged, even as he started moving backwards, pulling her towards the bed.

"You're always relaxed afterwards," he observed as he began to undo the buttons on her blouse, "and it's been a while."

"It's only been six days." Despite her bland statement, she helped him tug his T-shirt off. They tumbled into bed, and he gently rolled her onto her back.

"Six very _long_ days," he corrected her. She muttered something in French that he didn't quite catch before she caught his lips with her own. They were somewhere in the middle of exploring each other's bodies again, when she seemed to hesitate. He stopped, wondering what had caught her attention.

"John," she said, tilting her head, her curls spread out messily against the covers, "you said five reasons. What's the fifth?"

He chuckled, "That you can kick the IOA's asses all the way to Pegasus and back, blindfolded and in heels." He added, "That is, if I don't get to them first."

She laughed, an amused sparkle in her eyes, "Still defending my honor?"

He drew back, serious for a moment, "Always." It was more than just an answer to her question. It was a vow, the same vow he had made to her the day he'd fallen in love with her all those years ago.

She smiled softly at him and agreed, "Always."


End file.
